The Ultimate Lymington Bearded XI

October 27, 2023

As the long winter nights start to draw in and the 2023 cricket season is just a distant memory, our thoughts have turned to more important matters, such as beards. Historically beards have been the domain of tramps, pirates, Open University professors and Operation Yewtree suspects. However, Covid changed all that and now virtually every male has dabbled with growing a beard at some point or other. Even though our current Test captain Ben Stokes sports one, there seems to have been dearth of decent facial hair in English cricket over the years. Perhaps WG Grace set such a high standard that it was impossible to follow. Botham's beard famously won the Ashes in 1981, but until Moeen came along fairly recently properly hirsute cricketers have been few and far between.

As far as Lymington Cricket Club is concerned we have not been blessed with the greatest selection of beards either in our long and illustrious history. The womens' section even less so. However, we have trawled through the Play Cricket facial hair archives and come up with the following Lymington CC Bearded XI. And please note that we are only including 'proper' beards and none of those pathetic "I couldn't be bothered to shave for three weeks" bumfluff efforts that barely cover the chin. Jude Tollerfield take note. Here we go:

1. Conor Moors
Ginger and beards don't usually go well together, Prince Harry being a point in case. However, much like his batting, Conor's beard is wild, unpredictable and quite scary if you're an opposition bowler.

2. Ronak Patel

Ron and his well-manicured beard joined Lymington in 2022 from Mudeford. Ron still has an interest at his former club and the off-cuts from his beard are currently being used to re-seed the outfield.

3. Jeff Hose

Legendary all rounder from the Isle of Wight whose fearsome looks and unkempt facial hair helped us win our first league title in 1983. Did the Vikings get as far south as the Isle of Wight? Who knows, but if they did, Jeff is probably all that remains.

4. Gareth Berg

Bergy's beard recently retired from professional cricket having taken 321 first class wickets and scored 5,565 runs. Surely there must be a place for Bergy's beard in the St Barbe Museum alongside Mike Halliwell's sweater, Brian Hobby's cravat and Wobbly Wharton's libido.

5. Brian Rickman
The ultimate gentleman, Rickers loved the game so much that for several years he even sported a long grey beard in order to look like his hero WG Grace.

6. Mike Halliwell
Interesting one this as very few people remember Mike Halliwell's 1970s Dutch porn star look. And for good reason.

7. Dave Burgess (WK)
Wicket keepers aren't generally known for their beards, presumably because it's quite difficult to scratch your chin whilst wearing keeping gloves. Once memorably took a phone call from his bookmaker during a Neil Trestrail team talk. What were the odds on that happening?

8. Chris Walford
Beards can often make it difficult to tell a man's age. This is not so in the case of Chris Walford who has been 73 years old since leaving school. Described as a genuine cricket badger, Chris' beard was once under threat from a DEFRA extermination order after an outbreak of TB but was fortunately saved at the last minute by the intervention of Queen guitarist Brian May.

9. Allan 'Wildthing' Spencer
Cricket pitch expert Allan Spencer rode into the Sports Ground unannounced one day in 1997. In a matter of months he and his beard had started producing shirtfront pitches which delivered plaudits, awards and runs galore. A few years later Wildthing rode out of the Sports Ground equally unannounced with a buxom mistress in tow, never to be seen again.

10. Bob Iles
Psychologists have claimed that men with beards are hiding something. In Bob's case it was generally the leftovers of his breakfast. Bob's was perhaps the most intimidating Lymington beard ever. He and Jeff Hose would have formed a pretty formidable opening attack. And an even more frightening tag wrestling team.

11. Greg Todd
Mild-mannered stamp collector and part time Joy of Sex model Greg was once memorably dragged off the Woodside pitch by his angry and impatient wife, eager to get to a function. Sadly, she'd failed to grasp the fundamental fact that cricket, just like growing a beard, is all about patience.

So what of the future? Clearly as a club we need to work harder on our beards, particularly at junior level. Is it time to set up a facial hair sub committee? Surely there must be ECB grants available.

And finally, what might some of our current members look like with a decent beard...